this boner is exhausting
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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