you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize