she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
