Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
