i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
