I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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