This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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