it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
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Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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