Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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