he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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