So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
