I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
