good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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