i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
