I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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