What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
