Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
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If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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