oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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