I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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