a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
