BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't deserve a penis
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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