somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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