Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
either way he was missing a nipple.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
