True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
