these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
