My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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