peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
