fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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