I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
