apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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