it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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