waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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