apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
