She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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