i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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