The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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