I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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