I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
