i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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