if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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