I'm gonna have a badass scar
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
