I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
