got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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