If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
