yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
