Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
