if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
