I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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