Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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