i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
