The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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