He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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