I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
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And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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