U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
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Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.