I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.